Everyone gets jealous at least once in their life.

Well, usually more than once. It’s quite inevitable, don’t you think?

We normally see our flaws and other people’s talents. In the end, we compare ourselves to them, one way or another.

I have to admit I’ve been quite acquainted with the green-eyed monster already to know how insecure I am about myself. No matter how many times I tell myself that I’m not as bad as I think, I still end up comparing myself to other people.

It’s become a habit. A bad one at that.

I see someone who I think is really talented and amazing and I admire him or her for a while but I sometimes wish I was that person with all those talents.

You’ve wish you were like the idol or hero you looked up on since you were a kid, don’t deny it. That idol might have been your older brother or sister and you just wished you could get out of his or her shadow and be on the limelight for once.

Jealousy is something that everyone feels. No surprise there.

People have insecurities.

Even those people you think are perfect have their own insecurities. The movie She’s Out of My League shows us that with the tagline, “How can a 10 go for a 5?”

So why am I here writing about something everyone must already know? Why bother add to the ever-growing size of the data on the World Wide Web?

Well, like I mentioned above, I can never get over not being jealous.

I’ve told myself loads of times (but apparently, not enough), that I too have many talents. I too am a pretty girl who is loved (not being vain here!).

But why is it that when I see someone who I think is prettier than I am, or someone who I think is more talented than I am, I feel a pang of pain in my chest.

Whenever I see a name, a photograph, a video, a drawing, a message, or whatever that is linked to someone I think is better than me, I can feel the green-eyed monster standing behind me, telling me “She’s better. She’s way prettier. She’s more talented. She’s more special than you will ever be.”

Whenever I feel that, I end up hating myself. I immediately try to erase that single moment when I caught a glimpse of something I didn’t want to see. But it won’t go away. It just lingers and tries to consume all your thoughts.

I hate myself for being jealous. I hate myself for being insecure. And I hate myself for allowing myself to be consumed by jealousy, time and time again.

There’s a question I remember, though I’m not entirely sure if it’s correct.

“Why do moths go to the light if they know it will hurt them?”

I can somehow relate this to how people behave.

Sometimes, when we know doing something will end up hurting us, we still do it.

Why, though?

Why do we still do things that will eventually hurt us?

I know my parents used to fight a lot. I know it happened. But for some reason, I can’t see it, or remember what exactly happened. Maybe my brain suppressed all the bad memories. Or maybe because all those fights happened when I was still like 4 or 5 years old.

I can’t remember anything from my preschool days either.

I just know stuff about my childhood because people tell me. And I kind of know I did something like that.

I want to remember. I really do.

We miss them when they’re long gone, and yet we still can’t seem to tell them how we feel. Why is that?

Whenever he’s around
I try to act “normal”
I do my best not to mess up
Make myself look good

I like him
Which is why I put all this effort
Into becoming someone
I’m really not

But if I’m really in love
Shouldn’t I act normal?
Shouldn’t I let him see my imperfections?
Then why do act this way?

I think again,
Maybe I’m not in love with him
It’s just something I’m forcing myself to think.
Then again, why do I act this way?